Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Grief Makes A Promise

I feel like I'm going crazy. 

[Grief speaks] Come sit down, let's talk. 

Not you! Leave me alone!  You have moved into my life and you won't leave. Everywhere I look; there you are, staring me in the face, filling my life with pain. 

[Grief responds] I know. But just hear me out, okay? 

I'm tired of listening to you. Tired of feeling so many things; Confused, sad, hopeless, angry, anxious, guilty, helpless, isolated, empty, alone, exhausted, lost, and fearful. 

[Grief firmly] You're supposed to have feelings. You're human. 

Look you don't understand. My baby who I love and care for very much has died and it HURTS-- It hurts so badly I can't stand it. Sometimes I don't even want to be here anymore. 

[Grief comforting] I hear you. But if you never loved, you'd never grieve. What you feel is normal. 



No, it's not. Everyone says I'm--well--they say that I'm grieving too much. They are worried about me. They say that it's time to move on. They said to me: "It's time to put closure on this". "It's time to heal, accept, recover, and get over it". 

[Grief softly] And you can't. 

Well, no. Not like they want me to. 

I can't put closure on my love. My love did not die. I can't wake up one day and suddenly exclaim," I'm healed". I'll never completely heal. I certainly will not "accept" or "recover" from my baby’s death. And, I will never "get over" it, as if my grief is a problem that can be fixed. 


[Grief whispers] You don't have to. 

What do you mean? 

[Grief takes a seat] Everyone grieves differently. And you have the right to grieve however you're going to grieve. You had an unique relationship with your baby-- a relationship that no one can ever fully understand. 

So, what am I supposed to do? 

[Grief moving closer] Five things. 

First; grieve; feel your grief. That's why I'm in your life. So you can begin to feel again. Even though you don't like what you feel. 

Second; talk it out with people who are willing to listen and not judge you. Find a way to get all those bottled up feelings out so they don't go round and round with no place to go. Find those people who will really listen. They are out there. DO IT. 

Third; realize that everyone grieves differently. Respect this. 

Fourth; Live. Even though at times you don't feel like putting one foot in front of the other. Your job is to live your life, despite all the changes you've gone through, despite all the pain. 

And fifth; talk about your baby. Say his or her name. Tell your baby’s life story. Your baby lived a life. Find people who will listen to the stories and who will in turn tell you their stories of your baby .Your love for your baby will never go away. You will always carry it in your heart. 

[Grief offering a handshake] And, finally, I make you a promise.
 

[Shaking hands] You? Grief? Are making me a promise? 

[Grief] Yes, my promise to you is: 

As terrible as you feel now, you will not feel this way forever. 

There will be times that you will laugh. Times where your confusion, your sadness, hopelessness, your anger, anxiety, guilt, helplessness, isolation, emptiness, loneliness, exhaustion and fear will not feel so intense. Don't get me wrong. You will never forget your baby. And feeling less grief does not mean that you are forgetting him/her. Now, I want you to say your baby’s name. 

Go ahead, say it. 

"Anabelle"

[Grief] It's a precious name. Take the memories. Put them in your heart, feel them. And know that your baby will always safely be in your heart. 

Always? 

[Grief] I promise.


To those in my life who understand and allow me those five things and more. Thank you. 

4 comments:

Sam H said...

Keep on grieving for as long as you need. There will always be someone to listen. Hugs xx

coffee lady said...

people say that time is a healer but it takes more than time, it also takes love. Love is a healer, find strength in those that love you and in your love for them.

Love will heal you, after all it is love that gave you Annabelle.

Janette said...

Just wanted to send a hug and say I am thinking of you xx A beautifully written blog - thank you for sharing.

Geves said...

Beautiful and true.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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