Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Pressure

Brokenness returned and bit me on the bum today.  The periods of time between these low and dark days are lengthening but my emotional and mental stability are no better each time they hit;  grief and a spiralling depression making its presence known. 

I cannot think of a specific trigger for today but I’m guessing it’s a reaction to the pressure building surrounding next weekend and the weekend after.

Next weekend is the day of my brother’s wedding. I’m immensely anxious about how on earth I will cope surrounded by babies and families, anxious of the happy exterior I will have to portray when in every likelihood I will be dying inside.  People have no idea how much it hurts me to see everyone else enjoying the pleasures that Jon and I were denied. Denied the opportunity to show off our baby, denied the opportunity for coos and ahhs, denied the opportunity to be parents.

Apparently this is unreasonable though; I am being resentful and unreasonable.

Isn’t it just grand that I have to take into account everyone else’s feelings when mine are so blatantly my own problem to deal with? Nevermind how much I’m hurting; as long as no-one else sees or feels my hurt too. Apparently other people don’t have to think or be understanding.

Maybe I should lower my expectations. Maybe I should’ve learnt by now how it is.

The pressure is building.

Today I went to Cardiff.  I wasn’t in the mood for it. I felt irritable and tearful before I even got in my mother’s car but it was an essential trip. What I stupidly hadn’t accounted for; on top of my already low state, was the mother’s day advertising around all of the shops. Maybe I should’ve expected this – after all it is only two weeks away now.

John Lewis in particular I found distressing. Probably because it was the first shop we went into but also the “make her feel special this Mother’s Day” signs all over their store.  Urgh it just makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking of Mother’s Day. I don’t know how to actually bare it right now; apart from hoping, as always, that our plan will see us through.

I came home from Cardiff and slept for three hours.  I've spent the rest of the evening with an increasing headache.

The pressure is building. 

3 comments:

My New Normal said...

I am always amazed by the fact that we who have lost our babies always feel the need to make others feel comfortable. We try and spare others from feeling uncomfortable while we are dying inside. I fall into this trap all the time. Why don't they worry about us more???? I wish I had the answer for you.

Hang in there!!! Sending love and hugs and strength for your big weekend.

Tillie's mummy said...

I am so so sorry to hear about your little Angel Belle. I really am lost for words and cannot imgaine what you have gone through and you go through every day.
I think you are an inspiration that you write and tell people your feelings I am sure this will help other Mummy and Daddy's who have been through a similar situation.
You are still a mummy, Belle was just too precious for this cruel world. Not that that helps at all.
Thinking of you and your precious little Angel x

Anonymous said...

The mothers day stuff drives me mad too, this'll be another one we opt out of, just like Christmas and fathers day. There is such a big run up to these things now, the stuff is in the shops for weeks and weeks and is hard to avoid. Jmc

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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