Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 12 March 2011

Home Alone

Today I am home alone with Fiz for company.  This is quite unsual for a weekend but today Jon has gone over the bridge to Bristol to take part in some sort of photography event.  I wanted to use the opportunity for a long undisturbed lie in; Fiz unfortunately had other ideas!

I’ve been thinking about the phrase “Time Heals”

6 or so months ago spending the day on my own would’ve been sure to send me into meltdown. The first day Jon went back to work was horrific, for both of us. He’d tried to go back too soon; it had only been 4 weeks since Anabelle had died.  I remember crying as he left the house that first morning, totally beside myself that I was home alone. The days were long enough and hard enough to get through without having face it alone.  As it was Jon didn’t last the full day and after attempting work again the next day he conceded that he just wasn’t ready and the Dr signed him off for a while longer.  My safety net of having Jon at home with me was quickly resumed.

On his second attempt at returning to work we were both more prepared.  Although there was still tears on that morning, we knew he could not stay off for much longer. It was time to bite the bullet. I felt so bad for Jon; so much expectation on his shoulders that were not on mine. He was expected to “heal” quicker than me; to go back to work when no-one expected that from me.  Our grief was the same; what made Jon ready for work when I wasn’t?  Nothing but expectation.

Now I’m used to being home alone. That part of me I suppose is healed. It doesn’t bring the fear it used to in the early days. Infact I relish the peace and quiet and me time now.  

Something else has changed too; the absolute sickening fear that something will happen to Jon when he’s out. Even only a few weeks/months ago the fear was sometimes all encompassing. Convinced something terrible had happened if I couldn’t get hold of him or he didn’t reply to an email or text. Today I feel calm even though he has gone off. I know he is there safely; he’s text me, and today I can believe it will all be ok and he will be home later.

So maybe I’m getting better, maybe time is healing my irrational behaviour and crazy thoughts. Or maybe the fear and irrational thoughts have just been placed elsewhere and moved onto something new.

Who knows what “heals” really means anyway? I know I am better at things now, but the crux is always there and always the same. Anabelle is not here and never will be. That can never be healed. I am better at so many things; but there is and will always be that. Today it is 8 months, 2 weeks and 5 days since Anabelle was born an angel.

Missing you my beautiful girl. 

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Really can understand your words. The 'dread' when I know my eldest son is driving to work, the dread when my youngest is walking up to school. The awful, irrational fear that the police will turn up on my doorstep telling me that one of my children has died. I think that time 'softens the edges' of a bereaved Mums grief. I don't think we 'heal' I think we learn to live with it. xxx

Love, Shabbs xxx

My New Normal said...

Getting better at things is progress. And progress is good. : )

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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