Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Sunday, 7 August 2011

Anabelle's Due Date

I'm not sure how I feel today. A bit sad, a bit strange maybe. Mostly I think deflated.

This is the first significant date in our round of 'seconds'. Anabelle's due date. A year ago today she was due to be born, a date that had held so much anticipation for so long, the date our dreams were built on; but of course she'd been born and buried for more than six weeks by the time August 7th had arrived.

Will today always feel like this I wonder? Will it change a little? Its significance always remembered?  But what is the significance now? I'm unsure. What do babies due dates really mean in the years after they are born? Would I be at all bothered by this date today if Anabelle was here? Would it have even crossed my mind it was her due date if she was here?

Last year we had a whole plan set out for today. Her day.

We went to Build-a-Bear-Workshop and made her Angel bear. The special teddy we'd been planning to go and buy with Anabelle, one of our first family trips after registering her was going to be there. We went without her, and made Angel bear for her, on her day.   We took Angel bear to Anabelle's garden and sat with her a while, on her day. We ate out at Bella Italia and I wore the pink dress I'd bought for her funeral, on her day.

Today we have no plans. Maybe that was a mistake.

Before I discovered blogging, in those early weeks I wrote a few poems. I can't actually remember writing them; part of the haze, the hurt. But I wrote one for Anabelle's due date; it is almost painful to read now. It puts me right back there in the rawness, confusion and bewilderment of it all.

But it is as true today as it was last August 7th.  Our baby girl is an angel.

  Our baby girl is an angel,
How can that be?
Anabelle we had such dreams ,
For you and me.

Our baby girl is an angel,
Born on the 21st of June,
Arrived perfect and sleeping,
Anabelle was here and gone too soon.

Our baby girl is an angel,
Our first little baby born,
Beautiful angel baby,
Anabelle our hearts are broken and torn.

Our baby girl is an angel,
We miss her more every day,
We love you always Anabelle,
And wish there could’ve been another way.

Our baby girl is an angel,
Anabelle went to live in heaven,
We ache to kiss, to hold, to see her,
And things will never be normal again.

Our baby girl is an angel,
The prettiest angel you’ll ever see,
Anabelle is a Monday’s Child,
Fair of face and beautiful as can be!

Our baby girl is an angel,
We’re Mummy and Daddy to her,
Anabelle our precious baby,
Always and forever.

Our baby girl is an angel,
It seems to make her invisible to you.
But believe me, please,
Anabelle deserves your recognition too.

Our baby girl is an angel,
She is real and special and ours,
Please don’t feel awkward about Anabelle,
We need to talk about her for hours and hours.

Our baby girl is an angel,
How can it be true?
This nightmare is never ending.
Anabelle we’ll never stop missing you.

Our baby girl is an angel,
Our heartbreak will go on and on,
With each would’ve been milestone,
Anabelle this is all just so wrong.

Our baby girl is an angel,
This is the day she was due,
7th of August it was supposed to be,
Anabelle how does life go without you?

Our baby girl is an angel,
Anabelle grew her little wings,
She flew up to heaven,
And now Belle plays with beautiful angel things.


2 comments:

mmelindor said...

No words, just ((hugs))

Maria said...

Great big hug...

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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