Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 8 August 2011

I Wish

A familiar ache has developed in my chest today. Grief mixed with desperation mixed with fear.I want my babies. I want to physically be Mummy. My arms are empty and all I want to do is cuddle my children in. 

Yesterday I caught myself looking at Anabelle's photo a lot. Especially the ones where me and her Daddy are holding her. We could only hold her for such a short time; the briefest of moments with our newborn.  

There is so much I wish I'd done more of with Anabelle. 

I wish I'd held her longer and not put her down at all from the moment she arrived to the moment we had to hand her over. She was so fragile. The short time she was in her moses basket was while we were waiting for her clothes to arrive to dress her. She'd been held for hours and her skin was breaking, it looked so sore; we didn't want to hurt her anymore. So we gave her a little break wrapped up warm in her blanket with her teddy.  Wanting to protect her; but today I ache to hold her and feel I wasted precious moments that I had.

I wish we'd kept her with us longer. Anabelle was born at just gone midnight; at just gone midday we made the decision it was time to hand her over. 12 hours. We were trying to be brave, we knew the time had to come, we knew her tiny body was reaching the point where it would be safer elsewhere.  We were trying to do the right thing for our daughter.  Today I wish I'd had even a few more hours with her. I've since learnt about 'cold-cots' that some maternity units have. Special cots for angel babies that keep them safe to give their parents all the time they need with them.  We weren't offered a 'cold-cot' - I can only assume our hospital didn't have one, because I'm sure if they did it would've been there. The hospital offered us everything they could; a blanket, hat, tiny teddy for her and a moses basket. They were very kind, we can't fault them.

I wish I'd visited her more in the chapel of rest. I wish I'd gone every day. I'm not sure why we didn't. I guess we didn't want to overly pester the funeral directors. So instead we didn't see Anabelle for 5 days. She was left all alone for all that time and I feel so guilty. I should've been there more for her. 

I wish when we did see her in the chapel of rest I'd picked her up and held her one last time. I held her hand in her coffin but daren't move her. I wasn't sure that we were allowed too. How silly does that sound now? Why wouldn't I have been allowed to hold my daughter?  But in that hour we spent with her there, the night before her goodbye, I knew she was all prepared for her funeral and I thought that was it; she was in her coffin, I thought I had to leave her there. 

I wish I'd kissed her little face just one more time before I walked away from her. 

I wish Jon and I had carried her coffin on our laps in the car instead of her travelling in the back of the estate car infront.  I wish we'd slowed the bit down between her service and burial. Just to give us a couple of minutes alone, just me, Jon and her coffin.  That bit feels so rushed now, she was out of my reach too quickly. We arrived at the cemetery and she was carried over and passed down. I wish I'd had a moment with her before she was put in the ground. 

Most of all I wish she was here. 

I can't change any of these things and it hurts. I'm so desperate to hold Anabelle, and so desperate to hold Alexander. Desperate for a squidgy newborn that needs me. I want my babies.  


Jane said...

Such courage and eloquence in the face of your pain. I know you wish for one more minute/one more squeeze but you did what you could at that time. You were the best mummy for Belle. My words are inadequate - lots of love. x

Anonymous said...

She was never alone, she will never be alone, your love is holding her and keeping her safe always xx

Anonymous said...

There would never be a right time to say goodbye. You did your best then and you are still doing your best now. Anabelle must be very proud to have you and Jon as her parents. Your love would have surrounded her 24/7 then as it continues to do so now, so she was and never will be alone. She will be sleeping sweetly, secure in your love, forever.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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