Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

Third Trimester

So today I am 27+2 pregnant. Officially now into the 3rd, and final trimester.

At this point in my first pregnancy it felt like I was on the home stretch. I was excited; the final countdown. I wanted it to go quickly because I just couldn't wait to be Mummy.  We'd made plans to have our last weekend away before the impending arrival of Anabelle. So at 27 weeks we were in North Wales enjoying our 'babymoon'.  

There is no 'babymoon' planned this week. 

Then just weeks into 3rd trimester, at 31 weeks, we were knocked off our feet with a threatened premature labour.  Completely unexpected and terrifying. We'd gone to the hospital because Anabelle had been quite and I felt uncomfortable. I thought we were over-reacting initially, but decided the worry had got to the stage we should visit. 

I thought she was quiet because the baby book was telling me she was running out of room and the uncomfortable feeling was braxton hicks.  Never did I dream I would be hooked up to a monitor and within the hour have a Dr telling me that they were not braxton hicks but regular tightenings and that I was threatening prem-labour and our daughter's heart rate was dipping with the onset of the mild contractions.  

We went up to the hospital expecting to have the quick once over and be on our way home again within the hour; the baby books said it is always better to go and get checked, but that nearly all babies start behaving as soon as they are on the monitor.  Instead a Dr was telling the midwives to prepare equipment and me for theatre just incase they would have to deliver Anabelle early in the next couple of hours. 

I was admitted to hospital, treated to stop the threat of labour, treated to mature Anabelle's lungs with steroids 'just incase'. After 3 days we were allowed home again. All was ok. We were SO relieved the treatment had worked and she remained what we thought was safely inside. 31 weeks so too soon to be born; I was scared of the prospect of SCBU, all the potential premature difficulties and what it might mean for her future. 

A week later Anabelle died. She wasn't safer inside me after all. 

I've been promised the the prem-labour and her death are unlinked. Just a horrible coincidence in timing. But the niggling doubt that the prem-labour was our warning sign continues to dog me. The week before we were relieved she had been kept inside me; now days later we wished they had delivered her. They might've had a chance of saving her. Anabelle died silently inside me. She'd had another quiet day but because we had listened in the heart monitor and knew she was there, we decided to wait to see how things were in the morning. The morning was too late; I let her down, the hospital had no chance of saving her. 

What happens this time if I threaten prem-labour over the next few weeks? What decision will be made? What will be in Alexander's best interests?  Already I'm obsessed with his movements and braxton hicks. I'm torn; my instinct still tells me early 30 weeks are too little to be born if it can be prevented and I might be setting him up life-long difficulties, but my heart is saying I will want him out so at least the Dr's could have a chance at doing their thing. Lots of babies are born around that gestation and are absolutely fine.   

There is so many what if's all around. 

I've already asked the consultant and of course she couldn't answer. It would have to be assessed at the time. I'm as scared of another threatened prem-labour and the wrong decision being made as I am of my baby dying inside me again. 

Third trimester doesn't feel like the home stretch this time.  Yes there are 'only' 10 weeks to go until my induction and it doesn't sound very long. But this is by far the scariest part of this pregnancy for me. The part where it all went wrong and Anabelle died.  I don't trust my body and I don't trust me.  This time, I want it to go quickly for my sanity. For Alexander to survive, come home. 

We don't know how the next few weeks will pan out. As always we don't really know anything, the Dr's don't really know anything. All we can do is see the midwife weekly minimum, consultant regularly and hope that my body does the job it is designed to do. 

Hope that Alexander cooks smoothly until 37 weeks when we want to meet him. 


Anonymous said...

Hope you are OK Caz. Just to let you know there are people out here who read your words, share your joys and sorrows and send you love and strength. Keep going, you're doing brilliantly. Let your Alexander feel you be happy. See some beautiful sights to pass through to him. Hear some beautiful music for him to listen to. But the most beautiful music for your Alexander will be the sound of his Mummy laughing. xxx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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