Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 16 May 2011

Blue Baby? Pink Baby?

This weekend I made a huge step of progress. 

Saturday we visited the Mamas & Papas Outlet store in Bridgend. I bought two pairs of maternity jeans for £5 each (a bargain when full price are £38 each!) and managed to coo over baby girl clothes for the first time in almost 11 months. 

Since being pregnant again I've been feeling a want/need to look at baby things in baby shops. We can't cope with being in the stores for too long, but we have been popping in for short periods and re-acclimatising ourselves to planning what we want for our baby once again. Only this time planning for Bow.   

The big things we need to buy very little of; we have our pram, our cot, our furniture for Bow, but the things we were borrowing last time for Belle we've decided we're going to buy this time so Bow has new things chosen and bought especially for them too.  We don't want everything we plan for Bow to use to be left over from their sister. Bow deserves special shopping trips and new things too.  So over the coming months we will buy a beautiful moses basket, a baby bath and equipment and other bits and pieces that were on the borrow list for Anabelle. 

If Bow is a girl we need to buy very little else. All of Belle's unworn clothes and unused pink toys are in the nursery; although that is not to say we wouldn't be buying Bow a few of her own clothes and toys too. Of course we would; a first dress, a going home outfit, a coat and long trousers because Bow is due to arrive in a much cooler time of year.   However if Bow is a boy he will need a whole wardrobe of clothes and toys bought for him!   We bought only a few white/neutral bits during Belle's pregnancy. She was a girl and I wanted beautiful pink things for her. 

Up until now I've been drawn towards all the blue things. To the point where I'd convinced myself Bow is a baby boy. Loads of my dreams up until last week had included a baby boy, but then last week I dreamed of a baby girl. When we were expecting Anabelle I only dreamt of baby girls; I was taking the blue dreams and the looking at blue things as a sign. 

But then I realised that the reason I was only looking at blue things and possibly dreaming blue babies because I was feeling in no way strong enough to think or look at the pink things. I have not been able to look at pink things without thinking about what I would love to dress Belle in; and it has been too painful to contemplate, just until I know who Bow is. I haven't wanted to look at pink things for it to hurt all over again if we would not be buying anymore this time.

That is why Saturday's extremely brief visit into Mamas & Papas is quite monumental. I looked at a tiny purple raa-raa skirt and an adorable tiny pair of pink shoes with a sense of newness. I thought how cute Bow would look in them if Bow happens to be a girl too. 

At the moment I've lost all sense of who I think Bow is. Everyone else is saying boy. Not one person has said to me they think this bump is pink.  I wonder if it is because perhaps they think a blue baby would make it easier for us. 

In reality whether Bow is blue baby or pink baby makes no difference whatsoever to either me or Jon, or to the elements of pain in this pregnancy or the elements of joy and re-living the pregnancy experience again. Whether boy or girl will bring its own pains and its own joys.

Another baby girl would be wonderful; another chance as it were to hope hard that we bring our new little girl home and watch her grow. Another baby girl would be painful; a direct comparison of Anabelle, hopefully watching our new daughter grow and constantly wondering if Belle would've been similar, if she would've had similar likes and dislikes and everything that little girls do. 

A baby boy would be wonderful; we've never had a baby boy before. A completely new experience of growing a blue baby and buying lots of blue and boy things, getting ready for our son. A baby boy would be painful; all of Anabelle's things remaining unused and having to be put into storage in the roof, the nursery that still smells of fresh pink paint having to be repainted when it was the last thing that was done for Anabelle while she was still alive. 

We are desperate to know who Bow is.  We need to know. Whether boy or girl there will be these emotions we will have to work through and we don't for a minute underestimate how hard some of these emotions will be to cope with. Pregnancy is very different now. 

In 3 weeks time we'll know, Bow will be named and we'll love getting to know him or her; just as we did with their sister.  


Anonymous said...

Caroline, i think your an amazing lady, you and Jon, I read these little personal stories and think to myself, how they must be feeling as they write this, but you truly are so brave, and Baby Anabelle would be so proud of the way you are, xxxx lots 0f love Becca xxxx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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