Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Morbid

Its been a good few days. Yesterday I listened to Bow's heartbeat for the first time and prayed hard it will beat for at least they next 70 years. Today I felt Bow's first cluster of little movements while I was eating my breakfast and nearly jumped out of my skin in the staff room at dinner time when a big kick caught me by surprise.


(I have been feeling little 'pop' type movements for the last few weeks which I think has been Bow as it has all felt really similar to when I started to notice Belle, but this morning there was no doubt about it being baby rather than wind!) 

But Jon and I cannot seem to escape the what we will do if Bow dies too. And I mean we're (well I assume me more than Jon) really thinking about it. I know, its morbid you're thinking. 

Together over the weekend we discussed what we would do with the headstone if we needed to add Bow's name to it too. After all a headstone is an expensive investment. You would hope it wouldn't need amending or replacing for many years, we would hope not until we ourselves die and then we'll replace it for a family sized stone; but we have no guarantee's we won't be living a second child's death. So the discussion of the possibility of needing to add our second child to it has come up. We've reasoned that surely if we needed to add to Anabelle's stone with Bow they could cut a quarter inch off the front and re-engrave on a new surface but keep the stone more or less as it is now otherwise.  Yes I know, its morbid you're thinking. 

On my own I've thought about where Bow would be placed in the grave if he/she were to die too. Reasoning with myself that the grave is big enough for 2 adults and Anabelle, but assuming Jon and I will both be buried on top and they wouldn't dig to the same level as Belle to reveal her coffin and place one of us next to her, rather than on top as it were.

I've thought to myself Bow could be placed next to their sister at the other end of the grave and then Jon and I could still be on top and we could all still be together. I reasoned with myself that if we were told it were not possible to fit 2 adults and 2 babies in our grave that we could still rest Bow with their sister so at least they were together and figure something else out for Jon and I when the time came.   Yes I know, its morbid you're thinking. 

On my own I've thought about where we would hold Bow's funeral if they were to die too.  Would we plan to use the same church as we held Anabelle's funeral in, or would we now use the church I'm attending?  I've thought about funeral flowers and what we would choose for Bow. Something different from their sister and of course would completely depend on whether Bow is a boy or a girl.

I've thought about what hymns we would choose for Bow's funeral. We chose children's hymns for Anabelle because they were appropriate for our daughter's funeral, Would we choose different children's hymns for Bow, would we use some of the same?   I've thought about how we could make Bow's funeral unique and special for him or her rather than it being a carbon copy of their sisters. 

I'm always thinking like this and I know it is morbid. 

Yes it is morbid, but we're scared. We've lived our first child's death. We had to make all these decisions for Anabelle with no warning, no expectation that we would ever have to.  It is completely within our realms of possibility that Bow will die too before we meet him/her. I doubt thinking and planning a possible funeral now will make it any easier at all if the time came but we cannot help thinking this way.

We've already done this once and dare not believe we'll be earth parents to Bow when we're already angel parents to Anabelle. What if we're only ever angel parents?  As well as the "what ifs" there could've been with Anabelle and how different things could've been, we're now living the "what ifs" with Bow. 

What if Bow dies too... What if. 



3 comments:

Waiting for Stanley and Lucy said...

(((caz)))

There are no guarantees, but there is an awful lot hope. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Marie said...

Totally normal in my experience. I worked out what my qualifying week would be for leave/mat pay when/if M died. I planned in my head what we would do, say and how we would commemorate him.

There's so little in this life we can control, who is to begrudge us trying to grab anything and hold onto it, certainty of any kind, even the worst, is still certainty. You'll have seen from my blog that while I never wished to lose M too, in some ways that would have been easier than playing roulette with my mind.

Always an ear for you x

Ally said...

So much love and hugs to you xxx

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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