Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Nearly June

It's nearly June.  Or more accurately it is nearly the 21st May and the 21st means Anabelle will have been born an angel for 11 months; almost a year. Another month to go until she's been gone a year.  From tomorrow the countdown to her birthday begins. 

Most people have a mixture of excitement and a tiny bit of sadness as their baby's first birthday approaches. The excitement of planning their first ever birthday party and celebrating everything they have done in their 12 months on this earth; the sadness that their "baby is growing up too quickly" and wishing he or she would slow down.

I wish I was feeling that. I would love nothing more than to be watching Anabelle grow up, quickly or not. I wish there was some excitement in her birthday approaching instead of this sinking sickening gut feeling and a disbelief that I've survived a year and carried on living when her life ended. The only positive I can muster is wanting to raise lots of money for Sands in Anabelle's name, because I'm doing it for her. 

Soon we will have to start thinking of a birthday day plan, remember it is the plan that gets us through. Jon is having the day off work and I'm so thankful her birthday falls on a Tuesday this year. I don't work Tuesday's. I'm not sure how I will cope on future birthday's. It is going to be an emotionally draining week surrounding her birthday. Her "17 themed" sponsored walk the Friday before, Father's Day two days before, her birthday and then her fundraising fete the Saturday afterwards.  It is a big week. 

June is an enormous month for us. Right at the start we are finding out who Bow is and at the end our fundraising efforts reach their peak after all these months of planning.  But then we hit the first anniversaries of everything; a year since she died, a year since she was born, a year since her funeral and another Father's Day for Jon. Last year on Father's Day, right at the end of the day I finally went into active labour. 8 minutes after Father's Day finished, Jon saw his sleeping daughter emerge into the world. That's how Jon lived his first Father's Day, he's about to live through his second before we've even quite reached her birthday.  

Some of June will be joyful; of course naming baby Bow will be wonderful, but our fundraising day will be bittersweet and Anabelle's birthday will open the scars on our hearts once again. 

Some people have said it will get easier after the first anniversary, after we've done all the firsts. I don't understand how. What does a year really change about our pain? It just signifies the start of the second of many more years without her, a lifetime without her. Yes we'll have done the firsts, but we just have to do it all over again for a second time next.

A second year of should've beens. The year Anabelle would've started toddling, learning more and more new words, began discovering a will to be 'independent'. Until we reach her second birthday another 13 months from now; and the cycle will begin again with even more should've beens. 

This is it, year upon year, forever. 


mmelindor said...

My heart aches for you and Jon.

Sara said...

It sounds like June will be an epic month for you.

All we can hope is that the 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc time things come round is slightly easier.

Thinking of you

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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