Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 31 January 2011

32 Weeks

Today marks 32 weeks since Anabelle was born. Anabelle died when she was 32 weeks and 4 days grown; by the end of this week my daughter will have been dead and gone for longer than she was here and alive. I’m finding it very difficult to come to terms with it. I don’t know why these milestones and dates affect me so much. 
Jon on the other hand reacts very differently to dates than me. The 21st of the month doesn’t make him feel the way I do. To him nothing changes, she is still gone, however long it’s been, the being gone doesn’t change, the hurt doesn’t change. Each day is still another day longer without her regardless of date or time.
I’m constantly aware of the next thing to work through; and even then something comes up in between and surprises me.  
After today I’m aware that our birthdays are coming up in a month and that the family day out we’d planned to celebrate Daddy’s 30th will never come to fruition. My brother’s wedding is soon after and Anabelle is gone, so instead of his niece being the token flower girl she should be, other small children will play that part. And then there is Mother’s Day.  While everyone else I know will celebrate their motherhood, I will be mourning my own.  
And that just takes us to April.
Today I’ve spent time going through the phonebooks and making a list of local and national companies I would love to get on board to support Anabelle’s Angel Day and help to raise money for Sands. http://www.justgiving.com/anabelles-angel-day.  Today I feel exhausted, exhausted that I have to know Sands at all, exhausted that we’re a statistic in this horrible life, exhausted that instead of planning a first birthday tea party with jelly, ice-cream and normal childhood things, I plan a fundraising event instead.
It is so important and I’m determined to raise awareness of the impact of stillbirth on a family’s life and to raise as much money as I can for a charity that supports families in their deepest darkest hour.
But amongst it all, it feels so desperately unfair. What made me less deserving of being a mother than anyone else? Why was Anabelle less deserving of life than anyone else’s baby?
These are the questions that can never be answered and I find so difficult to accept.

2 comments:

Marie said...

I'm just so sorry Caz.Your words make me cry again because it's all so true. x

shirley said...

Thinking of you!!! Can't say more than that except that i remember all times without him too. I remember driving to work one day and finding myself crying - then realising that it would have been Nick's 21st birthday that day and i was crying because although i hadnt noted what day it was my body had :-( you know where i am if you want to talk xx

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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