Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

Day One, Month One, Year 2011

So how did you spend the first day of the year?

I have spent the afternoon at the Wales Millennium Centre to watch the musical production of Mamma Mia.  It had been planned for ages; Mum had bought the tickets back around Easter time. Back then there had been a discussion about which would be the best performance to go to; and we had decided that a matinee would be better because of my young baby. Planned all around Anabelle and what we were expecting her needs to be around 5 months old.  We imagined that she would’ve had her lunchtime feed and that by going to see the show in the afternoon it would enable me to be home for her bedtime routine.
Only Mamma Mia day has arrived and there was no baby to rush home to.  An activity that had been carefully planned around her and as is always the case now; we had the activity, we don’t have Anabelle.
It is not the first time I’ve watched Mamma Mia. I saw it for the first time on stage in London, a month before Jon and I got married. I loved it, which is why I didn’t mind going to see it again so soon. I thought I knew what to expect today, after all I know the storyline, the scenes and what is going to happen next.
But tears caught me by surprise today. I had ‘forgotten’ about something, or hadn’t realised how it would impact on me now, watching it again 18 months later. Things are very different now though aren’t they.
And there is was, the scene where the mother helps her daughter to get ready for her wedding day, and sings a song about her daughter growing up and “slipping through my fingers all the time”. 
It caught me completely unawares, but I welled up and silent tears rolled down my face. Anabelle completely slipped through my fingers didn’t she. We will never get to share her wedding day, the excitement of going dress shopping, planning together. I will never get to be the proud Mother-of-the Bride, not for Anabelle.
And so there, in the theatre, it hit me again. I haven’t just lost my daughter’s babyhood, I’ve lost her whole life.


Tasha said...

My husband lost his father when he was 8 - it still hits him sometimes (like our wedding day) he didn't just lose him when he was 8 but at 10, at 16, at 18, at graduation, at his wedding, each time its a fresh loss.

I think those moments of loss will always happen, I am so sorry that it had to happen to such a beautiful girl and her lovely Mummy xxxx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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