Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Those Words

“We’re sorry, but we can’t find your baby’s heartbeat.”
Words that will live with me forever. What happened next is a bit of a blur; I remember Jon taking me in his arms and my uncontrollable sobs and screams being buried in his chest. We must’ve both sounded like wounded animals – I guess we were.
This is our last experience of a scan; the day our lives fell apart.  Minutes before we’d been sat outside the scan room joking with the midwife that she wasn’t even born yet and was already causing us no end of worry; and then I was on that bed and I just knew what the sonographer was about to say. Something wasn’t right and I just knew – mother’s intuition I guess. All the hopes that had been raised as the doctors and midwives examined us smashed to pieces in one look on the sonographers face. It hadn’t been Anabelle’s heartbeat they had found on their machines; they’d found mine. Anabelle had gone quiet because she had grown her wings.
I don’t know how long they left us clinging to eachother in that room, but I know the crying didn’t stop; not for hours, and then only for brief pauses. When we were too exhausted to cry anymore, until the next hysterical sobs took over.
Then we were moved to another room, the room where Anabelle would be born 5 days later, furthest end of the labour ward, a room with an en-suite, a sofa bed, fridge, coffee and tea making factilities and a door with outside area if you wanted some air. The room I guess designed for families about to go through what we had to; self- contained, as comfortable as possible. The Sands room for babies about to be born sleeping.
Here in this room, the Doctor visited and explained what would happen next. I’d be started on potent drugs to induce labour. He couldn’t say how long it would take but on average it might take 2 or 3 days.  So I took that first tablet and we went home. Waiting.
Went back for a second tablet the next day. Still waiting.  Day 4 I was admitted and kept in hospital, they started pessaries along with the tablets, my morphine drip was attached. More waiting and lots of sickness. Day 5, more of the same. I knew I couldn’t have many more of these tablets, they’re potent and too many would start damaging my other organs. They weren’t getting me into active labour and I thought we were heading for a section. 
Until at 7.00pm the midwife decided to attempt to manually break my waters to see if it would make a difference. Within minutes I was in active labour and the contractions were excruciating – even with the morphine.  It took only 5 hours and 8 minutes for Anabelle to be born when labour started. 8 minutes into the sixth day; our girl took her time coming to meet us.
In all honesty I don’t know how I survived those 5 days. Being still pregnant but knowing my baby had died inside me. I felt at my most vulnerable. Mirrors had to be covered around my Mum and Dads house because I couldn’t look at myself, I couldn’t see anyone that wasn’t in my immediate family. Hoping upon hope that the scan was going to be a mistake and she’d be born and be fine. Somewhere between denial and reality.
But the scan wasn’t a mistake. Anabelle arrived, beautiful but silent.
Anabelle said hello in her scans, but she also said goodbye. From here on in, any future pregnancy scans will be full of fear, terrified of hearing those words again. Lying on that bed will never be a magical experience again, instead flashbacks of the day my life shattered. I’m not sure how I will cope with it. I guess that is something we’ll find out when the time comes.  
To try again makes us braver in so many ways than most will ever know.


Almost Mrs Average said...

Caz,I found you through your comments over at BMB. Sending lots of virtual hugs your way from over here in Suffolk. I can't even imagine what you've been through but wish you and your husband well in the months and years to come with baby Anabelle keeping watch over you. Karen x

Caz said...

Thank you Karen X :)

grumpyoldwoman said...

Renowned as I am for having a moan, I can only take a step back and thank my lucky stars for all I have. I am sure you will be wonderful parents when Anabelles siblings come along, but give yourselves time to learn to live with your altered lives and to accept that your little angel gave you so much and always will. Love to you all xx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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