Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 6 January 2011

Phantom Kicks

I’ve not been pregnant now for 6 months, 2 weeks and 2 days. That’s how long it is since Anabelle was born. Yet even now I regularly feel ‘baby kicks’. Of course I know they are not kicks at all. I know what I feel is a weird sort of wind movement; but even now I notice the sensation straight away, the popping feeling that makes my insides jump. Not only do I notice but it causes me to pause and remember how it felt having my beautiful Belle move around inside me.
The first time I felt little Anabelle movements I was 18 weeks pregnant; like little bubbles popping in my tummy. The next week I started feeling definite little kicks. At exactly 23 weeks pregnant Jon finally felt his daughter kick too.
Anabelle responded to us, she was aware of the world outside her growing place. The first time those definite little kicks were there we had been playing her music. We had bought a baby classical music CD a couple of weeks before and we put it on for her with big headphones over my bump. And there she was; kick, kick, kick.
Music wasn’t her favourite sound though, her Daddy was. Without fail, every time Jon spoke to Anabelle she would kick and move. Anabelle already loved her Daddy; he got many an affectionate boot in the face as he led there talking to her.  These are such special and precious moments we shared with our daughter.
I never tired of feeling and watching her move; my stomach moving in a wave like alien rolling way or the big jumps that poked out. I never minded being woken up in the middle of the night – I always found it reassuring that she was nice and busy. Although I will admit I did wish her off my bladder on many occasions, the number of times I didn’t think I was going to make it to the toilet in time as she used it as a punch bag or squeeze toy!
I can look back on these times with affection. I miss my daughter. I miss her and am left with a physical emptiness I’ve not been able to shift.  I am left with phantom kicks; bubble pop kicks like when Anabelle was 18,19, 20 weeks grown, kicks that remind me what it felt like when she was there, while taunting me because she is not. 
But I don’t want Anabelle back inside me, I want her in my arms.  Everything has been left empty.  


Circus Queen said...

Caz, I've been reading your blog and I think you express a grief that so many can identify with in such a beautiful and meaningful way. This post particularly made me well up, knowing how happy the kicks make you and then imagining the pain you must feel. May you find healing in writing and help others to heal.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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