Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 15 January 2011

Two Versions

I don’t fully understand who I am anymore. The person I used to know very well has gone and has been replaced with two versions of myself.  
Version 1: The version that the world sees; my out and about self, my sociable self, my professional self.  This version is able to hold conversations, show some interest in other people, attempts to share in others happiness.  This person is able to laugh in the right places, still finds things amusing, briefly enjoys activities, copes with work pressures and is capable of looking after severely disabled children all day.  This me is socially acceptable because it behaves in an expected way.
Version 2:  The barely functioning mess; my mentalist self, my broken self, my behind closed doors self. This version is bitter, nasty and resentful, struggles to relate to other peoples happiness because I don’t particularly care. This person struggles to get enthusiastic about anything, doesn’t want to join in with happy, spends much of the time on the verge of tears and suffers with huge anxieties. This me isn’t seen by anyone except those who are closest to me, this me I try and hide.
So which one of these people is really me?
I think in reality I probably swing between the two versions of myself, landing somewhere in the middle of the two. But today, the majority of me feels stuck in version 2.

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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