Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Visiting London Town

The first Christmas Jon and I were together we made a little trip to London between the Christmas and New Year festivities. We’d been together for 9 months and it was our first little romantic mini-break. We had a really lovely time and definitely one of my favourite early memories with Jon. It is a happy memory and a happy place.
I loved the hustle and bustle of the big city, the atmosphere, never being short of anything to do, how you can be anyone you want to be and no-one bats an eyelid; A melting pot of different cultures, languages, outward personas. The pace and rush of life was exhilarating for a few days; I was particularly marvelled by the tube system.
London that first year together was exciting.
In the run up to Christmas we decided that we would try and go again over the holiday period. Re-live as it were those happy memories. So Christmas Eve we looked at hotel prices and booked a stay in London for the bank holiday weekend (Sunday-Monday).   
Our second romantic mini-break there hasn’t failed to be just as lovely. Having two days of uninterrupted time with my husband, not having to put on a face or make any effort for anybody else but him. No-one takes any notice of you in London, we could be how we wanted to be. Zero pressure to have to be all joyous around other people; the opportunity to be completely ourselves. Evidently, on the whole, it has been just the break we needed after having a very difficult day one of the year.  
We have been to the London Dungeons, visited Covent Garden and discovered a girly girl shop called Sass and Belle, shopped and drank champagne cocktails on Oxford Street, spent hours in Harrods gawking at prices and beautiful things and popped in the Science Museum. The break from routine has been warmly welcomed and we now plan to return for a second 2011 visit to London for our birthdays in early March.
As much as we’ve enjoyed our visit to London, it is yet another example of something we shouldn’t be doing now. We wouldn’t have even have entertained the idea of going to London for two days if Anabelle had been here. I looked around me while we there, wondering how anyone with a pram, pushchair or small child was managing to cope in the crowds. Yes, I’m often quite daze like now, but I felt like I was in a pin-ball machine being pushed from pillar to post and barged past. Doing that with a pram didn’t look my idea of fun, we wouldn’t have taken Anabelle to London while she was so small. I found myself feeling nervous for the babies on the tube incase they got hurt by all the pushing and shoving.
Before my beautiful Anabelle I probably wouldn’t have really even noticed the babies were there. Now I’m instantly on edge around babies. Especially those who are newborn and those who look around the same age as Anabelle should be. My coping levels are pushed to the maximum around them when often all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, block them out. I wish so much I had my daughter with me.
On the tube yesterday we were sat next to a family with a baby girl who looked around 6 months old; as old as Belle should be. She was enjoying a game with her Daddy, playing peek-a-boo with her toys and giggling. I hated sitting there near her, I know Jon did too. I kept willing them to get off at the next station. Finally they did and I relaxed again.
Will it always feel like this around babies now? The problem is babies are everywhere, literally. Maybe it is because I am a mother now but all I ever seem to see around and about is prams.
You’ve no idea how I wish things were different, how I wish I was pushing Anabelle around in her pram… Instead her pram is in her room, covered by a big sheet to keep the dust off it, stop the light from fading it. Never used.
Will I ever push be able our pram around? Will Jon ever be able to play peek-a-boo games with one of his children? Will I be able to keep our unborn children safe long enough to allow them to be born into this world alive?  
This is something that tortures me daily.
There isn’t a day that goes by when we don’t think of Anabelle, very few days that pass without something in this world triggering another avenue of grief to explore. Something new that catches us unawares.
Even in our ‘escape’ to the big city.

2 comments:

Ally said...

xxx

Anonymous said...

Jon will be a dad again and you will be a mum again!!!

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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