Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 10 January 2011

Clothes and Things

Just before the New Year I had a clear out. I do this occasionally; go through our wardrobe and drawers and bag up older or clothes no longer worn to put into the Salvation Army textiles bin at the tip.  
This time going through all of my clothes, I found two items of maternity clothing still in the bottom of the drawer. Two items that linger from the Anabelle pregnant part of my life.
After Anabelle was born it took just 10 days to fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. All the lovely things I’d bought to wear while I was pregnant quickly became redundant, along with everything else we’d bought pregnancy or baby related.  I collected and washed all my maternity clothes and put them in a pile inside Anabelle’s room; out of sight. I did consider getting rid of them all, but that seemed rash and silly considering how much money we’d spent on my maternity wardrobe and that if things were different they would’ve been kept ready for number two anyway.
So now, I’ve found two more things to add to the maternity clothes pile, sat there waiting until they are needed again. 
They haven’t quite reached the pile yet. Since I’ve found them they have been draped over the upstairs banister just outside the nursery door. We find it difficult to go in there, however briefly. Like with many things in this new life, opening Anabelle’s nursery door takes some building up too.
When you open her door you can still smell the freshness of the pink and lemon paint; finished just hours before she died. The tape that had been put down around the edges of the carpet to protect it while the skirting board was painted is still there. Her room is filled with boxes of furniture; her cot, wardrobe and chest of drawers that were bought but never built. The nursing chair Jon had built in the few days before her death sits in the corner, her pram and car seat covered with sheets to keep the sun and dust off them, boxes full of her clothes I’d washed but she never worn, bags filled with toys still in their packaging.
It is hard going into that room and seeing the love and preparation we’d put into being ready for our baby, seeing the beautiful room we wanted to turn into a princess palace for our girl, seeing the things that mean so much to us.
Anabelle’s room is full of pregnancy reminders, full of her belongings, but she never got to see any of it.

4 comments:

Marie said...

I remember this too well. I miscarried a number of times before our daughter arrived, and we ended up changing the room into a guest room for a while just to stop it feeling so useless. It was hard to bring the things out again for my son after Joe died. Some things I bought for Joe were never 'right' for my new son, so we sold them. Others we have kept but its bittersweet when I remember why they were bought in the first place, even though I'm getting to use them now.

x

Chloe said...

Caz I have cried and smiled my way through your entire blog over the past 4 days and you amaze me! You truly are an inspiration. Your's and Jon's love for Anabelle shines through and the way you write about her is beautiful and poignant.

I can only imagine what it must feel like to lose your baby and the sadness you both must feel every day. I think the way you remember and cherish your daughter is wonderful and Anabelle is lucky to have such devoted parents and
family.

Any other sons or daughters you and Jon have will be a credit to you and will be lucky to have Anabelle, their angel big sister, looking over them from heaven.

I think of you both more often than you will realise.

Chloe xx

Caz said...

Oh Chloe, that is a lovely comment.

Thank you x x x

Nanny Davies said...

this is truly beautiful caz!

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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