Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 21 January 2011

Another 21st

Another 21st; another month without our Belle. 7 months without our little girl.
In all honesty, it has crept up quietly on us this month. Calm I suppose, accepting that whatever I do the 21st will always arrive. Does that mean things are changing? Am I getting better? Whatever better is going to be. It’s difficult to say, just because I feel calm today doesn’t mean I’ll feel that way on the 21st February. There is no consistent pattern to grief.
I’ve also been poorly this week so my focus hasn’t been on the impending date today. I’ve been sofa bound most of the week feeling sorry for myself; suffering with a particularly bad bout of tonsillitis. I think my body made me take a break and realise how run down I am.  
So it’s the 21st January and we’re almost a month into the new year now. I guess I’m feeling more together about it than I was three weeks ago. I’ve spent time thinking about what we would like to achieve this year, some things to focus on, some plans made to know what to expect from the year ahead.
February, March and the first weekend in April are particularly busy months. We have two pre-wedding parties, a family wedding, a friend’s wedding, Jon’s 30th Birthday. I’m going to work hard to genuinely enjoy these occasions, because they are happy and they’ll never happen again. I cannot let them pass me by while I struggle with version 2 of myself, especially my brother’s wedding. I cannot let my misery tarnish his day.  So that is my first goal; to enjoy a happy occasion without feeling guilty or heavy about it.
Anabelle’s birthday is going to be positive.  I refuse to be hurting so much that her day passes by without celebration of her short life as well as the sadness. Her fundraising angel day is coming together, a venue will be booked as of tomorrow and generous raffle prizes are starting to come in. People are getting on board. Already we’ve raised £183 of our £1000 target for Sands! A wonderful 1st birthday for my daughter is my second goal.
And then there are the small things I’d like from the year for example our bedroom to be re-carpeted and decorated.
I think being able to think ahead like this is a massive positive step even if it doesn’t stay this way, today I’m looking forward more than I have before. I’m feeling bothered enough to be bothered by the bedroom and want it to look better.
And then there is our hope for 2011. Our hope that sometime this year we’ll be expecting another little bundle of joy and adding to our family;  making Anabelle a big angel sister. Our hope that next time we’ll get to bring our baby home. I can’t call this a goal – it is merely a hope and a massive leap of faith. A dream that next time things will be different for us.
2011 is still as huge as it ever was.


Anonymous said...

Your blog is so beautiful- poignant and sad. Nobody can read this without their heart aching for you.

I am glad you are focusing on the future and using your heart break to do something positive- I wish you every success in your endeavours- I hope your fundraising day becomes recognised across the country- with commitment from you and your friends, it could be. Something positive from Belles short life inside you.... little comfort, but she is with you- I know, not in the way you long for.

If you can, try and harness your pain and instead of not facing the world- battle on and focus all of your efforts on fundraising, and helping others. It won't make the pain go away- and there will be days you want to shut the world away but show others how hard this has been- and help others get through this.

I am sure you have come to accept life will never be 'normal' again- you have been touched by your beautiful girl and will never stop missing her, loving her and longing for her. This isn't something you will 'get over' but something you have to live with-

But you will smile again, and Belle will be with you every step of the way.

Gu said...

There's nothing more to the words above apart from I agree with everything has been written.

Love you both

Gu xx

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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