Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Faith vs. Fear

Making the decision to enter into the world of pregnancy again is probably one of the bravest things we've ever done. Our moment of a 'leap of faith'.  

So I came off the pill again and spent the next few weeks terrified that I might be pregnant; and then was gutted when I wasn't. I wasn't convinced we were 'ready' after month one Whatever 'ready' meant. I wasn't sure I could cope with the rollercoaster of trying to conceive. Month two we were lucky and Alexander's little life began.

We knew no-one could guarantee us anything, we know they still can't; we knew I might miscarry before our pregnancy had even really begun but we also knew 12 weeks actually meant absolutely nothing. We knew it would be the longest 9 months of our lives full of fears, we knew our baby might be buried instead of coming home. 

But in a moment where our faith for the future felt stronger than our fear of it, we decided to try again. 

No-one thinks they are going to give birth to a dead baby that first time around. We all hold onto getting past that 12 week mark to feel more secure. This time we don't have that. There is no time to be complacent and take Alexander for granted. At no point in this pregnancy will I feel secure, each passing week only adds to my fears. Ironically the more pregnant I get the more I feel he could be taken away in a moment. 

We are stuck on a giant pendulum; swinging between faith and fear.  I'm not always sure which side is winning; which future will happen to us this time. I guess the truth of it is; despite our hospital care, our hopes, our prayers or however strong we feel (or not as the case may be) - we just don't know what Alexander's ultimate outcome will be. Faith and fear are co-existing side by side. 

When faith is winning excitement and dared optimism reigns.

Every time we buy something for Alexander, look to the future and make plans we dare to visualise our son actually being with us. If nothing else in this pregnancy I've been determined to make plans for his nursery, to buy him things, to make memories with him; because memories matter so much. These moments confirm his existence, they are the moments we bond with him and feel those rushes of love.

But when fear is winning, it is all engulfing. 

Each week the anxieties are getting harder to control and banish. The desperation to hold my boy in my arms and nurse him, love him and push him around in our pram is beyond enormous. The fear he'll join his sister instead; all consuming. The continuing ache for Anabelle to be in my arms also, ever present. 

Intellectually I know everything is likely to turn out just fine. The risk (apparently) of Alexander dying is no greater than any other low risk pregnancy; despite Anabelle's death. Intellectually I realise we are likely to be one of the 199 out of 200 pregnancies this time where our baby boy comes home. The odds are in our favour. But  we've already been that 1 out of 200 once before. The perception of odd and risk is somewhat screwed after that, being the one seems far more likely once you've already been in that position.  As much as I wish and hope I will really be in the crowd of 199 I wish harder there didn't have to be that one at all. 

Intellectually I know; but emotionally it is near to impossible to convince myself. 

12 weeks to go little man. 


Mammy DoLittle said...

I hope and pray everything goes well for you this time. RIP Anabelle. Stay safe Alexander. x x

Nina said...

I felt very similar when pregnant with the twins - and my previous loss had only been a miscarriage at 13wks, not even on the same scale as your loss with Belle. I spent the whole of early pregnancy reading my Miscarriage book, as if reading all the stats would mean our babies would be fine. Thankfully they did turn out fine. And God willing so will Xander. I know it won't make any difference to how you're feeling but your chances of being the unlucky 1 in 200 twice is actually 1 in 4,000. So it's very very very unlikely. You will bring your baby home. God bless all three of you xx

Sara said...

Hang on in there little Xander.

You're much braver than me Caz. I struggle to even contemplate being pregnant again. You're doing really well.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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