Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 29 July 2011

The Man I Love

Disclaimer: All mushiness is going to have to be forgiven for the next few days.  It is very nearly our second wedding anniversary and its making me feel all loved up and sentimental. 

Over the last two years I've learnt a lot about love. 

Not about the first rushes of love of a new relationship and not the gushy in love moments, but about real love. The love that endures the worst of times and still comes out the other side strong. The love that really meant "for richer and poorer, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health."

I've always believed in us. Not ever has the mere possibility of our marriage failing crossed my mind. In the very worst of times; our child dying (and I don't think anything can get much worse than that for both our individual and joint survival), we drew closer together than ever before amidst everything that was against us. 

Grief has so much potential to destroy. We were broken, we coped/still cope vastly differently, we had new expectations of each other, we were both weak, we both took our grief out on each other; me on him especially.


But the only other person who truly understands my pain is Jon; Anabelle belongs to both of us. Physically and emotionally I've lent and relied on him constantly since  she died. I'm often needy, hardwork and high maintenance. But his patience with me seems endless, giving me the reassurance I need and nothing but constant unconditional love. Without him my mental recovery thus far wouldn't be what it is; when I feel crazy he keeps me together.  Security.

The reality of sickness, bad and poor makes or breaks a marriage; its made ours. 

Year One we dealt with his 'lucky to be alive' pulmonary embolism because of our honeymoon,  the onset of worrying neurological symptoms, the joy of growing our girl and being shattered to the core when she died. Year Two we've spent the majority of it piecing our lives back together and 'recovering', we've dealt with his diagnosis of Transverse Myelitis and the ongoing worry of a possibility of MS, and now we're growing our little man Alexander.  

Year Three's highlight has to be his birth and bringing him home yes?! 

Beyond the vows there is an even greater sense of 'foreverness' about us now - if we can survive our daughter dying we can survive ANYTHING, because nothing more painful and destroying can happen to us than that. 

I count myself so very lucky. This is no slight on anyone who hasn't been so fortunate; every woman deserves a good man, there are too many out there who are let down in some of the worst ways by theirs and it makes me angry.  That is why I always make every effort to appreciate the wonderful, generous, doting man I managed to nab up! 

Jon I love you, always and I feel so proud and lucky to be your wife. 

1 comments:

My New Normal said...

What a lovely post. I think Jon is pretty lucky to have you too! Happy Anniversary.

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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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