After Anabelle

There is no denying that grief has taken me to the darkest of dark places of myself. I've been a me that I could no longer recognise, a me that felt things I didn't know I could feel. It was frightening, at times this life After Anabelle has been frightening. A mind, a being so out of control with grief.

Darkness swallows you whole. I fell down a black hole and drowned under that darkness for such a long time. It felt impossible to escape. At times I didn't even want to escape it; I let the weight of it sit on me, a shattered heart struggling to find a reason to try and live. 

And then that glimmer of hope appeared. A rainbow was on its way. We didn't dare to believe it could really come true. 

But he did; my beautiful Rainbow Xander shone a magnificent healing light through our lives and darkness. That boy saved me from myself. 

He will be four next week. That light has circled this family for four beautiful years and shone brighter still when our smallest Zac arrived too. Those boys glued those broken pieces of heart together again and remain the glue that holds me together whenever I feel broken. 

Some things may never be healed, there will never be true wholeness again but rainbow light is what keeps me winning; even when I don't think I can anymore at all. Darkness still has its patches, that is well documented here but at the moment I feel like I'm winning and Light is on my side.

Dark and Light. Capture Your Grief. Day 4.