Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Friday, 23 October 2015

Forgiveness

I think I'm getting better at forgiving others. 

These last 12 months a part of me has thawed considerably. I think I'm less hard than I was. 

Twelve months ago I let someone back into my life after four years of no-contact. I never thought I would be in this place. Some forgiveness takes much time. I also think forgiving is not the same as forgetting. I don't have to forget. 

Some general insensitivity and stupid thoughtless comments I can handle better, some I can let go over my head now and put it down to simply 'not understanding' - especially from those that don't know me as well as others.  Sometimes I just don't have the energy to correct or do anything else but let it go. Sometimes I just process it inwardly. 

It isn't true all the time of course, and I think it very much depends which part of the year we're in. 

News reports of murdered and ill-treated children that would have floored me a few years ago, furious that some evil excuse for a parent could do that to their child and not realise how lucky they were to have them in the first place. Reports like that used to greatly bother me, anger me. Why were they allowed their child to do that to them when mine who would've been so incredibly loved always was taken away from me.  I would rage at the unfairness of it all. Anger. 

Of course reports like that still bother me. But it is slightly different now. Now I feel less anger at the adult in the situation and instead imagine how terrified that small child must have felt. Now they bother me because I unintentionally imagine Xander or Zac in that child's shoes, knowing their fear. I'm bothered now because a motherly instinct takes over, knowing never in a million years could I do that to my children. 

The news is hard to listen to sometimes when you have children.  

I'm getting better at 'forgiving' others. 

But I guess I'm not really any better at forgiving myself. 

That familiar heavy guilt remains there. Guilt especially surrounding Anabelle's death. Rational and irrational thoughts battle on. I wish I could've saved her. She should've been safe inside me but it wasn't true. The guilt that my body let her down is immense, and still 5 years on I've not really the first idea how to make those feelings go away - two rounds of counselling have not helped with that. 

I often wonder if Anabelle forgives me. Because there are parts in the lead-up to her death I could've done differently, if only I was more aware, or less concerned with 'making a fuss' or what the midwives at the hospital would think of me. What a stupid stupid girl I was.

The possibility of her dying did not really cross my mind until it was already too late.

I should've been more aware. Less naive. Maybe then I would've made different decisions and maybe life would have a different outcome. 

I  paid the greatest price for it. 

I'm often told I am too hard on myself, and maybe I am. 

Recently this song by Jess Glynne has been resonating with me. Maybe I should take more notice.


The forgiveness of self is the hardest kind of forgiveness.  

Day 20. Capture Your Grief. Forgiveness. 


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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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