Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Thursday, 15 October 2015

Regrets

So now I'm two days late with these posts, but it doesn't really matter. My rainbows birthday took precedence yesterday, as it should. His day. 

I've blogged about my regrets before. 

Regret that I didn't hold her more, didn't keep her with me longer. 

Twelve hours is no time at all to spend with your so wanted firstborn child. Twelve hours. I wish it had been longer. Without a cold-cot twelve hours was the right time to let her go; her little body couldn't withstand the warm June day anymore. She needed to go somewhere cooler to keep her safe. And I knew that, and I know that. But twelve hours was not long enough, not really. How could it be? Trying to fill so many memories, what should've been a lifetime of memories into twelve hours. Handing her over to go to the mortuary was the bravest, hardest, more painful thing I have ever done. My tiny beautiful daughter who should've been with me beyond my lifetime. 

Regret that we only went to the chapel of rest once. Once. Sometimes I irrationally feel like we abandoned her for those days, alone in a mortuary, alone in the chapel of rest. A tiny newborn baby should never be alone. Sometimes I wish we hadn't left her side for that week between her birth and burial. I know it was not possible, not really, but oh I wish we'd seen her every day. 

Regret that the last time I held her was in that room where she was born before we handed her over. I should have whipped that beautiful girl out of her coffin and rocked her in my arms that hour we were there at the chapel of rest. I was scared to move her, to disturb her when she was there all ready for her goodbye day. I didn't know what we were supposed to do. I didn't know what to do. So I sat there and held her hand. It doesn't feel enough, not now. 

Regret that I hadn't kissed her one more time. There should've been so many 'one more times'.

Regret that we didn't take a photograph of her in her coffin. I know its not the done thing, but I wish we had a photograph of where we left her. Her tiny delicate pink coffin. She looked so comfortable, led on the blanket her Nana had made for her and surrounded by things she was keeping with her forever. 

Regret that she wasn't wearing socks. What a small thing to bother me these years later. But I wish we had thought to make sure she was wearing socks. The tiny premature babygro she was wearing was footless; I guess for ease of access for medical staff for babies in SCBU. But for our girl, I left her with cold feet. I wish there were socks. 

I wish we had taken a pause the day of her funeral. It felt so rushed, the journey from the church to the cemetery. Before I knew it she was in the ground before I could touch her coffin just one more time. I wish there had been a pause. Just five minutes, ten minutes just Jon, I and her sat in the car. Just for a moment, to gather those thoughts, so say some final private goodbyes before we handed her down into the ground.  Regret that she travelled in the boot of that funeral car instead of on our laps in the back. I regret that we had no space that day. 

I know regrets are futile. None of this can be changed.

We did the best we were capable of doing in that moment when we were not really capable of anything at all.

That baby, my girl, was surrounded by love, and love is bigger than regret. Love it what matters. 

I hope she knows she was loved and is loved and will always be loved. 

Day 13. Capture Your Grief. Regrets. 

1 comments:

Lulu said...

This is heartbreaking. As a mother I feel your pain over the small but important details like socks. You did your best at the time, and you did amazing under the circumstances. Anabelle will always have your love to keep her warm and safe. Hugs.

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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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