Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Music

Stargazer was the last piece of music I listened to with Anabelle, as her Daddy carried her back out of the church at the end of her funeral service

You don't ever imagine you are going to have to choose music or songs for your child's funeral. You don't ever imagine you're going to have to choose anything for your child's funeral. We had a week to prepare between her birth and funeral. 

A week of visits from funeral directors, visits to the florist, hours sat on a mountain writing her Eulogy, visit shops to find the pink outfits we were going to wear to our daughters funeral, hours sat at the computer trying to decide how her order of service should be, hours spent pouring over hymn books and CDs deciding which pieces of music and which songs were going to be heard and sung at her day. 

Soul destroying hours. Broken hours. 

Anabelle was carried into a Gymnopedie No.1 by Satie, carried out to Stargazer by Hawes and in the service we sang children's hymns for her; Jesus Loves Me, Gentle Jesus Meek & Mild and There's A Friend For Little Children. 

I couldn't choose those 'classical' well known hymns for her, they were so adult, so irrelevant. So instead I remembered the children's hymns from when I was small; and this for us seemed the perfect fit. Children's hymns for a child's funeral. 

A child's funeral. It shouldn't have been like this. 

Oh it was so important to me that Alexander and Zachary had their happy day in church. After Anabelle's only day being her funeral I needed a service for my children that was something else.  A celebration of their life, that they were alive. Their Dedication days, choosing the hymns, the readings, the outfits and all of that. I needed that. Beautiful memories made with our rainbow boys. 

Anabelle's music; Gymnopedie and Stargazer came from this CD; Classic FM for Babies. We had spent hours listening to this music when we were pregnant with Anabelle. She enjoyed this CD. I sat in bed for hours with big headphones on my tummy, watching her roll and kick as she 'danced' along to the pretty music she could hear. So beautiful. Anabelle loved music.  

It is a long time since I've been able to bring myself to listen to any of these pieces of music. They break me. Music is so powerful at triggering memories and flashbacks isn't it. Sometimes it is just too painful to face. 

But I will finish with this. The video I made for Belle's 2nd birthday, playing Stargazer.

Day 19. Capture Your Grief. Music. 



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Caz
After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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