Our beautiful baby daughter Anabelle was born sleeping June 2010.
Blessed with the screaming arrivals of our gorgeous rainbow sons,
Alexander October 2011, Zachary November 2013 and Lucas July 2016.

After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows
Heartbreak. Joy. Death. Life. But most of all Love.

Saturday, 17 October 2015

Express Your Heart

Let's call this post 'A Tale Of Two Birthdays'. 

This week we celebrated our biggest rainbows 4th birthday. On Day 14. So it made sense that my expression of heart would be what birthdays are in our family.

I can hardly believe my boy Big is already four. This last 12 months he has done some serious growing up; his third birthday of course he seemed like a big boy but still so small really, still a baby really. This year he has started half day school in Nursery class and his world has got so much bigger. He is so much bigger; but that is all for another blog post. 

The boys birthdays are so precious. Joyous beyond words. 

Those boys that came home and have birthdays the way they are supposed to be. Birthdays where there is a birthday party, an enormous fuss, huge excitement about their 'new birthday number', a birthday tea, at least two birthday cakes, sometimes three; what with party cake, birthday tea cake and school/nursery cake! A birthday with photographs and an annual message in a birthday book and an annual video made. A birthday with toy shop visits, new toys, presents, wrapping paper, mess. Beautiful happy mess. 

Alexander had a birthday this week. It looked like this. 

Currently my living room is littered with his new toys and at least 30 birthday cards sit on our windowsill. Saturday he had a beautiful busy party full of friends and fun and laughter. Sunday we had an awesome day out at Legoland, a birthday treat for our boy. Wednesday evening our home was chaos as family members joined us to celebrate his day. Wednesday evening I published his annual video; the snapshot of the year past of all the memories made and beautiful photographs of my boy when he was three, just as I have done every birthday past. Just the way birthdays should be. 

I know I could be accused of going over the top with those boys birthdays. But the simple fact we have those precious days with them makes me want to give them the world, the absolute best birthdays, memories to last my life time, because I've already been robbed of so many for one of my children. 

Every one of their birthdays I feel so overwhelmed that we got to keep them, that we still get to keep them, that they lived, and live and I've watched them grow for another year. My boys. 

Anabelle had a birthday in June. She was five. Or she should've been five. 

There was no party, no excitement. There were no new toys. There was no party or big family birthday tea.  There was no big birthday day trip. There was no birthday book or video to snapshot her last year. 

Instead of visiting toy shops we visited the florist and a garden centre. Instead of buying toys we ordered floral decorations, fairy ornaments and a wishing well planter for our front garden. Instead of a party and presents her brothers released balloons at her grave, chased bubbles in her garden and helped plant flowers in ours. Instead of birthday cards we chalked messages onto stepping stones. 

On yesterdays post regrets were supposed to be joined with triggers. 

June is my trigger. 

Her birthday is my biggest trigger; a month long downward spiral where my mental state of mind suffers the most.  Her birthday is painful. We try to make it beautiful, full of love, but it never feels enough, because little girls are not supposed to have flowers and ornaments for their birthdays. This little girl should've done huge amounts of growing up this last year too. She should've finished Reception class and started Year 1. I always wonder who she would've been, what she would've known, what she would've loved, who her friends would have been. What would her favourite things have been at five. 

But they both had their big birthday number balloons. And they both had cake. 

In six weeks we'll do it all over again for Small. 

This is a tale of two kinds of birthdays. 


Day 14. Capture Your Grief. Express Your Heart. 


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After Anabelle - Raising Rainbows. I'm Caz, Mummy to beautiful angel Belle and my wonderful rainbow boys, Xander, Zachy and Luc. Wife to Jon. Twitter @cazem Instagram @cazzyem
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