After Anabelle

Well we survived June; the second longest and hardest June of our lives.

Another June full of the highs of finding out Bow is Alexander, marking our beautiful Anabelle's 1st birthday with smiles as well as the tears and raising an immense amount of money and still counting for Sands. And crippling lows, the year markers, the pain, the reliving what happened and grieving for what should've been.

But here on July the 1st we are.  

June has really taken it out of us, to be honest it has felt never-ending, the longest month to survive this year. As a result both Jon and I have started July on a course of antibiotics each; Jon has had tonsillitis and has been particularly rough all week, I've got a water infection and a bladder and uterus that feels completely irritated and uncomfortable at the moment.  To be honest emotionally and physically we're both shattered.

What now then?  What is in store for us now all the "firsts" have finished?  

What will be expected of us now we've done all these all important "first" times?  I've been told time and again it is easier going through all the memories, triggers and anniversaries a second time, the worst year is the first year.  Sure I fully imagine the 'easier' aspect will be knowing what to expect from these moments and days, but then again we've learnt this year that grief hits in ways unexpected.   Maybe year two is going to set off a whole new set of triggers, yet more new moments to grieve.

Will we just be expected to cope better now because we've 'done it all before' ?

I'm feeling a massive sense of unknown tonight and a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach again; it is that 'foreverness' resurfacing once more. Another new month without Anabelle joined with the constant fear for her brother.

Here we go then year two...